Golden Oldies
Les histoires d'autrefois

The New Priest

The new Priest was so nervous at his first mass that he could hardly speak.
Before the second week in the pulpit he asked the bishop how he could relax.
The Bishop said, "Next week, put some vodka in the water pitcher.
After a few sips, everything should run smoothly."
.
The next Sunday, the new priest put the suggestion into practice
and was able to talk up a storm and felt just great.
Upon returning to the rectory, however, he found a note from the Bishop...


        1.Next time sip, rather than gulp.
        2.There are 10 Commandments, not 12.
        3.There are 12 Disciples, not 10.
        4.David slew Goliath, he didn't kick the sh-- out of him.
        5.We do not refer to Jesus Christ and his Apostles as 
                        "J.C. and the boys."
        6.Next week there is a taffy pulling contest at St. Peters,
                        not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
        7.We do not refer to the cross as "The Big T."
        8.We do not refer to the Father, Son and the Holy Ghost as
                     "Big Daddy, Junior and the Spook."
        9.The recommended way of saying grace is
                    not "Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, Yea God!"
      10.And last but not least, it is the "Virgin Mary",
                   not "Mary with the cherry."


The Power of Prayer

A man decided that it was time to teach his son how to say prayers,
so he spent a few nights teaching the son the basics.
After the kid had learned them well enough to say on his own,
the father instructed him that after he was done with the prayers each night,
he was to choose someone special and ask for God's blessing for that person.
.
Well, little kids don't always realize that their pets aren't a person,
so the first night the little boy said his prayers, he ended with
"And God, please bless my puppy." The guy thought that it was pretty cute.
However, the next morning the little dog ran
out the door and was killed by a car.
.
That night the little kid asked God to bless his cat when the prayers were finished.
And, sure enough, the next morning the cat slipped out
and took on the biggest dog in the neighborhood and became breakfast.
The father had started to make a connection here,
but decided that it was just coincidence.
.
But when the kid asked God to bless his goldfish,
the father couldn't wait for morning so that he could check up on it.
As soon as he looked in the bowl,.
he saw the fish floating upside down on the top.

That night the little kid ended with
"God, please give an extra special blessing to my father."
.
The father couldn't sleep.
He couldn't eat breakfast in the morning.
He was afraid to drive to work.
He couldn't get any work done because he was petrified.
Finally quitting time came and he walked home,
expecting to drop dead any minute.
.
When he arrived home, the house was a mess.
His wife was lying on the couch still dressed in her robe.
The dishes from breakfast were still on the table
and the father was furious.
He started yelling at his wife,
telling her that he had had the worst
day of his life and she hadn't even gotten dressed.
She looked at him and said, "Shut up! My day was worse.
The mailman had a heart attack on our front porch!"

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