They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family
are
mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?
The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was the greatest
doctor
of my time, and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband
and
school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."
The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say...
LOOK!!! HE'S MOVING!!!!!"
"Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't
see
where the ball went," he answered.
"But you're 75 years old, Jack!" admonished his wife,
"Why don't you take my brother Scott along?"
"But he's 85 and doesn't play golf anymore," protested Jack.
"But he's got perfect eyesight.
He would watch the ball for you," Tracy
pointed out.
The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on.
Jack swung and the ball disappeared down
the middle of the fairway.
"Do you see it?" asked Jack.
"Yup," Scott answered.
"Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.
"I forgot.
Out Of The Mouth Of Babes
A little child in church for the first time
watched as the ushers passed the offering
plates. When they neared the pew where he sat, the youngster piped up so
that
everyone could hear:"Don't pay for me Daddy, I'm under five."
.................................
A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin
asked
him, "How many women can a man marry?" "Sixteen," the boy responded. His
cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly. "How do you know that?"
"Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the
Bishop said: 4
better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."
....................................
After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced
to
his mother, "Mom, I've decided to become a minister when I grow up." "That's
okay with us, but what made you decide that?" "Well," said the little boy,
I have
to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand
up
and yell, than to sit and listen."
...........................................
A 6-year-old was overheard reciting the Lord's Prayer at a church service:
And
forgive us our trash passes, as we forgive those who passed trash against
us."
..........................................
A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon. "How do you know
what to say?" he asked. "Why, God tells me." "Oh, then why do you keep
crossing things out?"
...........................................
A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on.
Finally,
she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the
money now, will he let us go?"
.....................................................
Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite
Bible
stories. She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which showed four people on
an
airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent. "The
flight to
Egypt," said Kyle. "I see ... And that must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus,
"Ms. Terri said. "But who's the fourth person?" "Oh, that's Pontius - the
Pilot.
.................................................
The Sunday School Teacher asks, "Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say
prayers before eating?" "No sir," little Johnny replies, "I don't have
to.
My Mom is a good cook."
...........................................
A college drama group presented a play in which one character would stand
on
a trap door and announce, "I descend into hell!" A stagehand below would
then
pull a rope, the trapdoor would open, and the character would plunge through.
The play was well received. When the actor playing the part became ill,
another
actor who was quite overweight took his place. When the new actor announced,
"I descend into hell!" the stagehand pulled the rope, and the actor began
his
plunge, but became hopelessly stuck. No amount of tugging on the rope could
make him descend. One student in the balcony jumped up and yelled:
"Hallelujah! Hell is full!"
.............................................
Pastor Dave Charlton tells us, "After a worship service at First Baptist
Church in
Newcastle, Kentucky, a mother with a fidgety seven-year old boy told me
how
she finally got her son to sit still and be quiet. About halfway through
the sermon,
she leaned over and whispered, 'If you don't be quiet, Pastor Charlton
is going
to lose his place and will have to start his sermon all over again!' It
worked."
.............................................
A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a bedtime
story.
From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to
touch
his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his
again.
Finally she spoke up, "Grandpa, did God make you?" "Yes, sweetheart," he
answered, "God made me a long time ago." "Oh," she paused, "Grandpa, did
God make me too?" "Yes,indeed, honey," he said, "God made you just a little
while ago." Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, "God's
getting
better at it, isn't he?"