Every night, before my 4-year- old daughter will let me out of her room at bedtime, certain things must be done. A pile of books must be placed beside her pillow; her cover must be pulled up 3 times; she gives me hugs and kisses three times; then she yells out three statements that we repeat back and forth to each other-three times. I used to fight this crazy bedtime scene until I realized it was the only way my daughter could confortably says goodnight and settles into sleep. Now I chuckle at the thought of thousands of other parents carrying out equally wacky rituals.

One of the beautiful things about kids this age is that they do not spend much time in the real world. They have a magical way of thinking and they inhabit a world of witches, dragons, pirates, knights, fairies, bogeymen and princesses. So when it is time to deal with tough real things like saying Goodbye to mom and dad at nursery school or sleeping alone in a dark room at night, ritual play a real role. " The biggest thing about rituals is that they serve a function in terms of predictability" Says Toronto child psychotherapist Janet Morrison. "So much is out of their control, there's so much they don't understand so they try to order certain parts of their life that are fraught with anxiety."

 We tend to start developing rituals with our children when they were babies, as ways of signaling to them when it's time to wind down and prepare for bed. We tone down the play, give them baths, read stories and cuddle. They learn about how the day is supposed to unfold and as they do, they are soothed by the routine. "Small baby love little rituals and routines because they signal something they both know and love", Says Morrisson. " They love ways of making the world knowable".

As babies grow, rituals and routines tend to become more precise: the door left open just so far, a certain number of books read and so on. By the time kids reach the stage, they've got their routines down to a fine art. As with anything though, rituals can get out of hand. Parents tend to enforce certain routines because they help them keep their sanity, which is fine unless as Morrison explains, the whole house falls apart because the chi9ld is a little late for bed one night. "A ritual is good when it's enriching, when it gives something that is positive, when it reduces anxiety in a way that's pleasant," she adds. " It becomes slavish when it doesn't serve a function, when it only serves to regulate the mother or when it starts impinging on the child's happy life and development and activities."

The most extreme example of ritual that has become a problem is obsessive - compulsive disorder. The red flag is the child being over-anxious about doing without first performing various rituals. But as a rule, rituals serve a purpose and should be nothing to worry about. Says Morrison: "if your child is six and can't eat peas unless they're arranged in a certain way, then you've moved into something that's beyond mere routine. If the rituals are limited to good-byes or separations, however, then it is perfectly normal."