Farid's Jokes and Other Funny Stories
A big-city counterfeiter decided the best place to pass off his phony $18 bills would be in some small hick Southern town. So, he got into his new wheels and off he went.
He found a tiny town with a single store. He entered the store and handed one of the bogus bills to the man behind the counter. "Can you change this for me, please?" he said.
The store clerk looked at the $18 bill a short time, then smiled and told the man, "Sure, Mister. Ya'll want 2 nines or 3 sixes?
(Just for laugh !!!)
ALWAYS GIVE 100% AT WORK:
12% Monday
23% Tuesday
40% Wednesday
20% Thursday
5% Friday
(G. Fletcher, Montreal, Canada)
Just Wondering !!! ???
*A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station.
* Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?
* If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it FedUP?
*What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?
* If they arrested the Energizer Bunny, would they charge it with battery?
*HARD WORK WILL PAY OFF LATER. LAZINESS PAYS OFF WHEN? ... NOW?
* I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
*REMEMBER, HALF THE PEOPLE IN THE WORLD ARE BELOW AVERAGE.
*FIRST DRAW THE CURVE, THEN PLOT THE DATA.
*Sometimes I wake up grumpy. Other times I let her sleep.
* If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?
*Be nice to your kids. They will be choosing your nursing home.
* Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
* What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
* If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
* Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Orientals throw hamburgers?
* Why are they called apart-ments, when they're all stuck together?
* Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
* Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
* Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
* Whatever happened to Absorbing Senior?
*WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU GET SCARED HALF TO DEATH TWICE?
(G. Fletcher, Montreal, Canada)
THREE WISE WOMEN!
You do know what would have happened if it had been three wise WOMEN instead of men, don't you? They would have, asked for directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby,cleaned the stable, made a casserole and brought disposable diapers as gifts!
(Maxine/Maxbrat, USA)
The former kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk. "You need to use big people words," she'd always remind them.
She asked Wendy what she had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my Nana".
"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big people words!"
She then asked Joey what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo-choo," he said.
"No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. Use big people words!"
She then asked Eddie what he had done. "I read a book," he replied.
"That's wonderful," the teacher said . "What book did you read?"
Eddie thought about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride and said, "Winnie the Shit. "
Griba Furtado , 29, Montreal, Canada
You know you've had too much coffee when...
Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.
You speed walk in your sleep.
You sleep with your eyes open.
You spend every vacation visiting "Maxwell House."
You chew on other people's fingernails.
The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
Cocaine is a downer.
Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."
You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
Instant coffee takes too long.
When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop."
Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.
You introduce your spouse as your coffeemate.
Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.
These jokes were submitted to me by my friend Michelle .. who got it from a friend who got it from a friend and so on .. and so on...!!
Please visit her site at
(Indiana, USA)
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Kennya
Kennya who?
Kennya open the door before it start raining!!
(Farid 11 ..Montreal, Canada)
A man called the hospital, he started to speak frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor replied form the other end questioning.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouts.
"This is her husband!"
Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!"
"But why, Mom? I don't want to go."
"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."
"Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!"
"Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready."
"Give me two reasons why I should go to school."
"Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the Principal!"
Courtesy of "Just for laugh " .. U want to join.. http://www.geocities.com/Hollywood/Theater/8190/subscribe.html
What business is everyone dying to get into?
The undertaker !!
(Peter, South Australia. Australia)
Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?
He's all RIGHT now.
How do you get holy water?
Boil the hell out of it.
How does a spoiled rich girl change a light bulb?
She says, "Daddy, I want a new apartment."
What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?
"Dam".
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.
What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?
A pool table.
What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?
Sanka.
and what kind of lettuce?
Iceberg.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.
Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers.
These jokes were submitted to me by my friend Michelle .. who got it from a friend who got it from a friend and so on .. and so on...!!
Please visit her site at
(Indiana, USA)
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Jamaica.
Jamaica who
Ja make a call to your mama lately???
See you later alligator
after while crocodile....he he he
( Michaela ... Hong Kong age:4)
Visit her At
Baby Cakes's Home page
A mother mouse and a baby mouse are walking along, when all of a sudden, a cat attacks them.
The mother mouse goes, "BARK!" and the cat runs away.
"See?" says the mother mouse to her baby. "Now do you see why it's important to learn a foreign language?"
Courtesy of "Just for laugh " .. U want to join.. http://www.geocities.com/Hollywood/Theater/8190/subscribe.html
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Little old lady.
Little old lady who?
I didn't know you could yodel
!Emily (3 Years old) Warrior, Alabama - USA
.
"See you later alligator" farewell:
- See you later alligator
- Not too soon you big baboon
- You buy the drinks you fuzzy linx
- Later date paper plate
- Up the crimson Nile
"Turin", 3yrs old ..... Seattle, USA
Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital waiting room, while their wives were in labor. The nurse arrived and announced to the first man, "Congratulations sir, you're the father of twins." "What a coincidence!" the man said with some obvious pride. "I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team." The nurse returned in a little while and turned to the second man, "You, sir, are the father of triplets." "Wow, that's really an incredible coincidence " he answered. "I work for the 3M Corporation. My buddies at work will never let me live this one down." An hour later, while the other two men were passing cigars around, the nurse came back. This time, she turned to the 3rd man, who had been quiet in the corner. She announced that his wife had just given birth to quadruplets. Stunned, he barely could reply. "Don't tell me another coincidence?" asked the nurse. After finally regaining his composure, he said "I don't believe it, I work for the Four Seasons Hotel." After hearing this, everybody's attention turned to the 4th guy, who had just fainted, flat out on the floor. The nurse rushed to his side and, after some time, he slowly gained back his consciousness. When he was finally able to speak, everyone could hear him whispering repeatedly the same phrase over and over again.
"I should have never taken that job at 7-Up"
"I should have never taken that job at 7-Up"
"I should have never taken that job at 7-Up..."
(Farid,11, Montreal Canada)
Two brothers were always getting into trouble in their neighborhood. The people in the neighborhood started complaining to the parents about the boys. So the boys parents decided to have their priest talk to the boys. The priest asks to speak to the boys alone, requesting to see the youngest first. The young boy comes in and sits at a large table across the room from the priest. The priest looks at the boy, points at him and, trying to emphasize that God is in everyone, and everywhere, asks, "Where is God?" The boy looks around the room and back at the priest and says nothing. Again, the priest points at the boy and in a louder voice asks, "Where is God?" The boy says nothing. The priest walks around the table, pointing inches from the boy’s face and asks again, "Where is God?" The boy jumps out of his chair and runs out the door. The boy runs right home, grabs his older brother and says to him, "We are in BIG trouble!" His brother replies, "We haven't done anything!" The younger brother replies, "God's missing, and they think we did it!"
(Farid, 11, Montreal Canada)
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory .... You couldn't park anywhere near the place
(Farid, 11, Montreal Canada)
What did the Bartender say to the "Hamburger" that walked into his bar?
We're sorry ..... We don't serve food !!!!
(Farid, 11, Montreal Canada)
The Montreal Canadiens Hockey Team organized a weird contest. Every woman in Montreal had to bring in a picture of what they thought was the most useless kitchen tool that had ever been made. One lady brought a picture of a fork because she said the spoons could do the same thing and more. Another woman brought in a picture of lettuce spinner. She said that just by shaking the lettuce would do the same thing
.The winner of the contest brought in a picture of .........................
her husband !!!
(Farid, 11, Montreal Canada)
A man was driving down the highway, and he saw a rabbit hopping across the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, it was dead. The driver felt so awful, he began to cry.
A woman driving down the same road came along, saw the man crying on the side of the road, and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong. "I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."
The woman told the man not to worry; she knew what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the animal.
Miraculously the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans, and hopped down the road. Fifty yards away, the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved again, hopped down the road another fifty yards, waved and hopped another fifty yards.
The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can!! He ran over to the woman and demanded, "What was in your can? What did you spray on that rabbit?" The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: "Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."
(Farid, 11, Montreal Canada)
One day there were three young priests taking a break from their studies. One of them was greedy, one was generous and the other one was modest. Each one of them collected alms for the church, they were allowed to keep a portion of the alms for themselves. They each had a different idea on how to split their shares. The generous one said " I will draw a big circle on the ground and I will throw the money in the air. Whatever falls in the circle is for the Church and whatever falls outside the circle is mine." The modest priest said," I will draw a circle on the ground and I will throw the money in the air. Whatever falls in the circle is mine and whatever falls outside of the circle is for the Church." Now, the greedy priest said," I will draw a circle on the ground and I will throw the money in the air. Whatever God wants he will keep and whatever falls down I will keep for myself.
(Farid, 11, Montreal Canada)
Once upon a time there were four cats and their names were UN-DEUX-TROIS-QUATRE-. They decided to go on a picnic. They started canoeing across the lake. The boat started going under water, do you know what happened? UN-DEUX-TROIS-QUATRE-CINQ-.
(Farid,11, Montreal Canada)
One dark night three men a Canadian, a French man and, an Italian needed a place to stay. The Canadian asked the man at the front desk of the hotel if there was a room left, the man said "yes we have one room left but, it's haunted." The Canadian agreed to take it. When he entered the room he heard a funny voice saying "I'm gonna get you, I'm gonna eat you. He was so scared that he jumped out the window and killed himself. The same thing happened with the French man, he heard the voice and jumped out of the window. Now, the Italian asked the man at the front desk and he got the same answer and he decided to take the room. When he went in the room he heard the same voice. He approached the closet slowly, when he opened the door he saw a Marsian picking his nose saying: I'm gonna get you, I'm gonna eat you!
(Farid, 11, Montreal Canada)
Why did Tiger and all his friends look in the toilet bowl?
Because they were looking for Pooh!
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(Farid, 11, Montreal Canada)
(Farid, 11, Montreal Canada)
Author
My Name is Farid .. I am an 11 years old young man. I decided to help my Dad in adding a smile or two to his site. If you have any jokes that you like to see it published in my page, or if you have any feedback comments or suggestions, E-MAIL me at
smedleg@securenet.net
My Friend "Jessica" from Hong Kong has a cool page with lots of Midi and fun stuff for boys and girls Click
Here
